Sunday, September 4th, my dad and I were driving home through a sunny, rainy day as the essence of a miraculous service was still in our minds. I looked out the window viewing the trees and cars passing by as if time was sped up around us. As my eyes dazed, I daydreamed of the past weeks and all their blazing glory. I was excited but worried about the stresses of life. Within 3 weeks I had been thunderstruck with the reality of enrolling in a school I only dreamed of, created two clubs, and received a sponsorship from Bass Pro Shops. Though my body was in a dormant state, my mind churned and leaped with possible ideas, outcomes, worries, excitements, burdens. I couldn’t decide whether this was the dawn of something great, or if I was slowly being crushed by a pile of solid gold. Everything was great, but there was still uncertainty and emotional forces whorling me around on the inside. “You’ve never run a club,” a thought would say, “What about your academics?” another one would complain, “What if you add this!” a voice said with excitement. I was swamped with my ideas and the imagination of “What if?”.
My dad looked over and asked me what I was thinking. He must have seen the intense expression of my imagination written all over my face. As usual, I responded by saying, “Nothing”. I didn’t mean anything by it. It was just the overwhelming process of taking every thought, idea, worry, and excitement – processing it, coding it, creating a language in which I can make enough sense to express it. For me, thoughts are like a rocket science code that I have not invented or cracked – An unspoken language with no translator, no signs. A contained void with an infinite amount of untapped expressions, emotions, and ideas – Locked behind the 5 plated calcium walls of security and reality.
I was frustrated, annoyed, restless. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. On the outside, I looked serene, calm, lost in another world. It looked as if I was contemplating simple things that any other teen would think about, but on the inside, I was being torn apart by an infinite duo of thoughts and emotions. My heart reeked with past and present struggles. My stomach bellowed with the hurt of emotions I wanted but refused to share. I thought of the sacred, chilling, but kind words spoken to me during the past service, but my mind refused to focus on uplifting positivity; instead, it sunk me deeper into the void.
Knowing that I wouldn’t give up information on my own, he asked me what I thought about the success and future of one of my clubs. I responded with rare honesty due to the specific question I could and was willing to answer. He paused and looked steadily at the road. Suddenly, he tells me that “My steps are ordered” (Psalm 37:23-24) and shows me just how mathematically beautiful my steps are. He brings up the fish I caught a week before last. He picked up his phone and asked it the meaning of 5 in the Bible. It replied saying, “5 symbolizes God’s grace, goodness, and favor towards humans.” Then looking at me, he asked for rhetorical confirmation of how many fish I caught Saturday, he said “What does the number 2 mean in the bible?”, “ 2 conveys the meaning of a union,” states the device. My body starts to tremble, thinking of the sponsored partnership gained the Wednesday of last week. My dad continues by adding the numbers 5 and 2 creating the spiritually known number 7. “The number of completion,” I said with excitement.
My soul began to stir with hope, delight, and the ravaging hunger to come up with more symbolic numbers overtook me. My brain started pumping out numbers. I thought of dates, times, months, anything to put the invisible, powerful, and wondrous puzzle together. I thought of the number 3, another representation of completion. Symbolic for the trinity, “God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.” I caught 2 fish on the 3rd. I added 2 and 3. 2 being the number of fish, 3 being the date. It equaled 5. I stopped. I was frozen with disbelief and found myself in a state of awe. I scrambled to think of more. More I thought until I thought of the month. I caught the relics of testimony during the ninth month of the year. “What does nine mean?” I asked. “Finality”… Finality? ‘How did that relate?’, I wondered. What was final? What chapter was concluded? I searched and searched for the answer. Think I thought, think! I searched for the answer as if my brain was the World Wide Web. Surfing through the galleries of memories from the past month, week, day, hour. What could have been finalized? “The meeting!” I thought. The meeting was the day I had a direction, a partnership, a conclusion. The 3rd is completion and the 9th month is the final chapter. The association was confirmed on the 31st, and number nine was the sign for the next chapter. My disbelief was now excitement, curiosity, confidence; before I felt like a blind man walking the maze of life. Not knowing what path would lead where. Not knowing life’s journey, nor what it meant. I still don’t, but this was definitely proof that my life was going down a path that held purpose. My dad explained that nothing is ever a coincidence. That life itself is numerical choreography waiting to be danced by the creation and directed by the creator. In the end, it draws out a calculated picture that shows the path, purpose, and plan God has for every life birthed on the face of the Earth.
As we arrived home, I couldn’t do anything but smile. I ran inside eager and excited to tell my mother this new testimonial affirmation. We came up with new numbers that added to the puzzle. The number 12 equaled the number of members in my club, and the number 12 symbolizes God’s power and authority. My heart grew content. I’ve never felt this level of peace, this level of comfort. I felt that regardless of what should happen in the future I could always count on God to be there. I look through all the memories and events that led to this moment. The good ones, the bad ones, the thrilling ones, the dull ones. The ones where I was the happiest girl on Earth, and the ones where all I could do was bawl and wonder if anyone cared. There wasn’t a single moment that I could see God. There wasn’t a moment where he was not working behind the scenes, building a bigger picture that I could not see. There wasn’t a moment when he didn’t look at me with empathy, love, and compassion. Every moment in my life prepared me for what was to come. Even if I didn’t see it. The past trials, experiences, my birth date. Even my very own name foreshadowed the equation written for my life. It’s just a matter of if I am willing to solve it. If I am willing to take the leap of faith. If I am willing to erase and start over every time I make an error. It was me having that relationship with him. That is what Christianity is all about. Trusting him, loving him, engaging in a fatherly, teacherly, friendly relationship that you would have with anyone else, but on a deeper level. I felt like I could look at life differently. Some people might use the word “reborn” which is ironic because this all happened on the 4th day (4 meaning creation).
All this time I prayed for growth, for signs of direction, for something that would give me certainty. All this time I prayed for answers about where I needed to go, and what I needed to do. All this time I prayed for the next step, the next stage. And all this time it was right in front of me, clear as day. My heart laughed with joy, with happiness, with the excitement of anticipation. Then I thought something like this would be compared to astrology, horoscopes, and superstitions, but this is different. This was the power of God moving throughout my life. This was no prediction, no theory, no cult. This was God keeping his promises, for “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8), “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Mathew 7:7), wait and be patient for “At the right time, God will provide your need.” (Psalm 31:15). All I could do was thank God, thank him, thank him, for all his love and glory, thank him for these “faithful numbers”.